If you think someone might be experiencing family violence, you can ask questions sensitively to let them know why you’re concerned and that you care and want to help. If they don’t want to open up to you, that is okay. They may not feel safe or ready.
It can help to start with general questions:
“How are things at home? How’s it going with your partner?”
If you have concerns because of things that you’ve noticed, let them know what you’ve noticed, and that you’re following up on what you noticed because you care or you are worried about them. For example:
“You haven’t been to tennis for a few weeks now because of commitments with your partner, but I know how much you love tennis, so I just wanted to check and see if everything is OK?”
If their answers are vague, then ask questions to find out what they mean, and make your questions more specific:
“It sounds like he is making plans for both of you, and you don’t get a lot of say in what you do together or when you do things together. Are you okay with that?”
If you’re still not sure about what is happening, ask direct questions about whether they are afraid or being controlled, hurt or hit:
“Do you feel like you have to give up things that are important to you to keep the peace or make your partner happy? Does it seem like it’s not okay to just be yourself?”
“When he yells at you, does it make you feel afraid? Has he ever hit you or hurt you?”
“That’s a nasty bruise. Did your partner do that?”
Many people will not offer this information unless you ask directly; they may think you don’t want to know or be afraid you will not believe them or will judge them, based on what they have seen or experienced before.
Asking direct questions may help them to feel like they can tell you what’s really going on, because you are showing that you are prepared to hear it, take it seriously, and not blame them for it.