Children who witness family violence towards their protective parent can have similar long term, negative impacts as children who are physically abused, says leading specialist family violence service Shine.
“New Zealand’s high family violence rate has a far-reaching effect on future generations. Police reported that children were present at nearly two-thirds of all family violence episodes they attended[1]. Given just over half of New Zealand women experience some form of family violence in their lifetime and that roughly only a third of family violence episodes are reported, we have a big problem.
“If there is violence happening at home, children are directly experiencing it. Even if children don’t see a physical assault on a parent, they see the fear and coercive control their mother is trying to manage,” says Shine spokesperson Mira Taitz.
“Family violence has a huge impact on children. They have difficulty comprehending it and build their own narrative about it to find their own ways to cope. Living in fear for years often has far-reaching negative long-term emotional and psychological effects.”
For this reason, children up to the age of 17 that come into a Shine refuge are automatically enrolled in KIDshine. Along with the emotional support and advocacy their mothers receive, KIDshine works with children to help them understand what has been happening at home: that it isn’t OK, it isn’t their fault, and that their feelings are valid. They are given tools to heal, build resilience, gain confidence and move forward in their lives.
Sarah* knows first-hand the impact that family violence can have on a child.
When she was at primary school, her mother began dating an outwardly charming, well-respected man. He ‘love-bombed’ her mother: turning up at her mother’s work and visiting constantly with gifts to win her and her children’s affection.
Looking back on it, Sarah sees him moving into their home while Sarah’s mother was away without her knowledge as a sign that something was wrong. He became her stepfather, then started monitoring and controlling everything that happened in the household.
“My stepfather controlled when I could have a drink of water, what I ate, where I sat in the living room, if I was allowed to talk, to shower, what I wore. For instance, I was forbidden to wear bike shorts under my skirt and every morning he insisted on lifting my skirt so he could check before I went to school. When my mother protested, he made my mother do it while he watched.
“Then after convincing Mum to sell her car, he wouldn’t let her use his car which meant we had to stay close to home,” Sarah says.
A classic feature of family violence is that the user of violence isolates those under his control.
“Mum had to do whatever my stepfather wanted. The fear, intimidation, control, humiliation, threats and cruelty that came into our lives drove a wedge between us kids and Mum,” she says.
Sarah recalls her stepfather shoving an ice cream in her mother’s face at the mall and laughing it off as a joke.
Later, her mother found their pet bird dead in its cage, surrounded by blood, which devastated the family. He slashed Sarah’s art portfolio.
When Sarah came home from school one day and found her mother wearing a neck brace, she was informed that her mother had accidentally hurt herself. It was only years later that Sarah learned the injury had been caused by her stepfather.
The family violence escalated. One night, he terrified the family by walking around outside tapping a gun against the windows. Her mother, Sarah and her pre-school stepbrother hid just below the windowsill frozen in fear. The next day, the family fled to refuge.
Leaving is one of the most dangerous times for those fleeing family violence. It needs to be carefully planned and often involves outside help.
Shine is a charity that offers essential support to people affected by family violence. Our team helps women and children to find a safe place to stay, get enough food and essentials, and access counselling, healthcare and legal assistance.
Shine relies on donations raised from its annual Shine appeal to help provide these services. To donate, please visit www.2shine.org.nz/donate
*Name changed to protect identities.
[1] https://www.police.govt.nz/sites/default/files/publications/annual-report-2020-2021.pdf (PDF)