Within a marriage or any intimate relationship, it is normal to disagree and argue. It’s normal for people to sometimes say things or act in ways that hurt each other’s feelings. One partner may decide that they’re not happy in the relationship for any reason and either want to talk about what’s happening to try to ‘fix’ the problems with the other person, or just decide that they want to end it.
In your relationship, you should be able to disagree or speak your mind without fearing that your partner will respond by threatening, intimidating or hurting you. What is not okay is feeling frightened to disagree or express an opinion that is different to your partner.
You should be able to make your own decisions about how you want to live your life. It is not okay if your partner makes decisions for you that you want to make for yourself; whether it’s about what you eat, wear, do, who you talk to, or what you spend money on. It’s also not OK to want to be too scared to leave the relationship. It’s also not okay if your partner makes decisions without you that you should be part of – like buying a house, or car, where to live, or how to parent your children.
Many people who are abused by a partner or family member feel as though they are doing something to deserve it. Nobody deserves to be insulted, humiliated, controlled, hurt or frightened. It’s not OK to be kept away from family, whānau and friends, or to be pressured to give up the things you love that give your life meaning. You have the right to live with dignity, free from violence, fear and someone else controlling your life.
Family violence isn’t just about physical violence. It can also look like someone trying to control their partner by using intimidation, threats, blackmail, humiliation, or sabotage. These behaviours are abusive, not just unhealthy. When someone uses a pattern of these types of behaviours, it is most definitely family violence, and it’s not OK.
If you’re still not sure and want to talk to someone about what you’re experiencing, you can ring Shine’s Helpline 24/7 for free from any phone in New Zealand at 0508-744-633, or chat to us online through our webchat at www.2shine.org.nz. We won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to, and we can just listen if that’s all you want. We’re here if and when you need us.